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Friending your exes is a path to misery

January 14, 2010

If you are as entrenched in the world of Facebook as I am, then you know it is good for only three things: wasting time, posting messages to your co-workers who sit one cube over and finding old friends from years past (aka cyber-stalking).

But what happens if, during your hunt for that weird kid who sat behind you in seventh grade social studies class, you come across an old flame? It can be fun to snoop around and see what your ex is up to, secretly hoping he or she is miserable, fat and in prison, but it can also be dangerous if you take it past the observation stage and into communication.

It is one thing to view your ex's page and see what she or he has been up to; it's another to friend your ex and engage in long talks about the past. This is especially bad if one or both of you is in a relationship as it can lead to cheating, heartbreak and misery. I believe there is a saying that goes "Idle hands are the devil's Facebook," or something like that.

So when my partner told me he recently reconnected with his ex over Facebook, I paused. They haven't seen each other in 12 years, pre-me, and were anxious to fill each other in on the past. Brad, my partner, and his ex were hot and heavy for a long time and who knows what would have happened if he had stayed in Michigan instead of moving to Chicago in 1996? His ex now lives in Chicago just a mile or two west of us.

Brad then announced he was going to meet his ex for drinks one night to catch up. When I mentioned this to some co-workers, they wanted to know if I was worried. I wasn't, for two reasons: 1. I trust Brad. 2. Brad's ex is a woman and he is all about the dudes now.

Searching out your ex usually leads to trouble. A friend's brother-in-law recently admitted to an affair with an ex-girlfriend that he superpoked on Facebook and then superpoked in real life. An acquaintance's wife left him and the kids and ran off with her high school boyfriend whom she had reconnected with on Facebook.

Reconnecting with an old flame via Facebook is NOT a good idea. Nine times out of 10 we remember wistfully only the good times we had with our exes, especially if it has been a long time since the breakup. And longing for the "good old days" (which weren't that good or else you'd still be together) can only get you into trouble.

Not only should you not try to friend an ex on Facebook, but you should also de-friend anyone with whom you have recently broken up. Hanging on to an ex via Facebook is not a clean break. Plus if you start dating someone else and he or she sees that you are still Facebooking with your ex, it's a recipe for disaster.

I encouraged Brad to meet up with Lisa, his ex. I wasn't worried that he was going to move back to heteroville. He is 100 percent rooted in Boystown and the reconnection was OK because I know that neither is interested in rekindling any romance (she is happily married and presumably not into gay guys). Now, if Brad wanted to try to find an ex-boyfriend, that's another story. Which has me wondering, whatever happened to my ex, Tim?

The Bit-O-Honey Challenge!

Starbucks VIA instant coffee! (AKA Sanka 2000!)

Slava's Snow Show

Hide the giant lube jar! The parents are coming!

Recently my parents came to visit from Pittsburgh.

My boyfriend and I live in the heart of Boystown and by now my parents are used to what they refer to as "the lively activity" that goes on nearly 24/7.

When they first visited years ago, I was more worried about my surroundings and made sure everything was "parent friendly." I would reddup the apartment (that's Pittsburghese for "a quick clean") and do a scan to make sure there weren't any nude male screen savers on the computers, a dog-eared copy of the "Gay Kama Sutra" on the bookshelf or a 30-gallon jug of lubricant on the dresser.

Bedroom is a two-way street

A relationship is a two-way street.

One person gives a little and takes a little, and the other does the same. There are also certain agreements made in a relationship because one person doesn't like a particular chore. For example, the guy might clean the litter box and the woman will vacuum, or one person will kill the spiders and the other will dust the tchotchkes. Or the husband will hunt dinner and the wife will cook it up--hey, that's how the Ingalls family operated.

But this sort of arrangement can get sticky in the bedroom. If one person is tackling a big chore and the other is simply reaping the rewards, there's a problem. That's why I was surprised when a friend of mine, whom I shall call "Bob" to protect his identity and use a name with a double-entendre, said he refuses to perform oral sex on his girlfriend but expects her to pleasure him that way. How is that fair?
Read more.

How much 'Sex' can one person take?

I have a love/hate relationship with "Sex and the City."

I loved the TV show but hated the first movie. So I was a bit concerned about the "SATC2" movie that opened last week; would this film be better or worse than the first?

I had seen most of the episodes of "SATC" when it aired on HBO from 1998 to 2004. Say what you will about SJP's constant puns, Samantha's over-the-top sexcapades and the girls' drag queen-inspired wardrobes, it's a fun way to pass 25 minutes of your day--except when the character of Mr. Big in on screen, and that's where my apprehension begins.