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All this baby talk drives me cwazy

December 16, 2009

We all know that the only way to communicate with babies is to talk to them like an idiot.

I will admit that I have caught myself talking to babies in that "goo goo gaga" voice; it's perfectly acceptable provided the voice stays directed at the baby.

You should never--under any circumstance--use that same voice to talk to another adult.
So ladies, I need to ask: What's up with all the baby talk? I'm hearing more and more women talking like babies--to their boyfriends, to each other but never to actual babies.

Is this some new "sexy trend" where women make pouty faces and act like preschoolers? It's not cute, it's not funny, and it's certainly not sexy. It's only annoying.

I heard a lady baby using this voice to her boyfriend while shopping at The Gap.

She was saying how much she "wuvs those gween pajamas," and that she "weally weally" wants them for Christmas, or rather "kwistmas." I was amazed that this voice was coming out of an adult. The worst part was that her boyfriend didn't seem fazed by it. Either he was used to it or he likes it. I'm not sure which is worse.

I thought maybe this baby voice was used to attract men, and being that I am gay, I was immune to it, like how some straight guys are ignorant to the genius of Lady Gaga songs.

So I asked several of my straight guy friends if this way of talking was a turn-on. Answer: No. One went as far as to say, "if my girlfriend started to talk like that, I'd immediately dump her."

The thought process must be "Babies are cute. Baby talk is cute. So if I talk like I baby, it means I am adorable!" Wrong.

Here's a good rule of thumb: If the object of your affectation can actually reply to you, then ditch the "cutesy-wootsy" talk.

While we're on the subject of cute things, just because something is littler than normal doesn't make it "cute." Women use this word to describe any inanimate object that has been reduced in size.

Mini cupcakes aren't cute, they're just small. Same goes for Smart cars, little Christmas ornaments or silver-dollar pancakes. And here's a piece of advice: Don't use "cute" to describe anything on your boyfriend's body.

Let's make it a New Year's resolution to retire the baby talk. My parents always taught me that if you are going to act like a baby, you should be treated like one. I recommend putting all the lady babies in an extended time-out until they can learn to act like adults.

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