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When 'single' or 'married' won't do

October 8, 2009

I recently signed up for a free account on a local radio station's Web site so I could win fabulous prizes and enter contests.

After providing the standard demographic information like age, ZIP code, favorite music type, I was asked to choose my marital status. My options were: married or single. Those were my only choices, and I am neither. I have a really hard time choosing "single" because I feel like it's a slap in the face to my long-term relationship, yet I cannot choose "married" because I don't have the opportunity to legally wed.

A year ago, this might not have sparked anything in me other than mild annoyance and some head shaking. But with everything currently happening in the fight for equal marriage rights, it really struck a nerve.

Why should I, a gay man in an 11-year relationship who is not legally allowed to be married, be forced into one of these two narrow options when registering for anything?

Even if gay marriage isn't legal in every state right now, most states such as Illinois do recognize domestic partnerships on some minor level. What's wrong with offering a "living with partner" option that could also cover long term straight couples who aren't married?

Illinois currently bans same-sex marriage, as do most other states, which means, among many other things, that if I was admitted to the hospital my partner might not be able to make critical decisions on my behalf because the state doesn't recognize us as a couple.

There is a planned march on Washington, D.C., on Sunday, called the National Equality March (and a local rally on the same day in Daley Plaza), which coincides with National Coming Out Day.

This march is to show President Obama, the politicians, and this country that the gay community deserves to be treated as equals, not second-class citizens. This is a civil rights issue.

I'm occasionally invited to weddings of my straight friends. I go to support them and partake in their special day. But during every ceremony I am aware that I'm not allowed to experience the same event. I can't walk down the aisle and legally join my partner in ceremony.

Technically, I could have a commitment ceremony or get married in Iowa, a state that does recognize same-sex marriage. But my marriage would be immediately invalidated as soon as I got home to Chicago--what good is that? I would like to have and retain the same rights as everyone else in this country.

In the end, I chose "married" on the radio station survey as a symbolic gesture toward what we are fighting for. And I will be at the Marriage Equality Rally in Daley Plaza at 1 p.m. Sunday to continue that fight. And I encourage everyone, gay or straight, to join us because it's the right thing to do.

The Bit-O-Honey Challenge!

Starbucks VIA instant coffee! (AKA Sanka 2000!)

Slava's Snow Show

Hide the giant lube jar! The parents are coming!

Recently my parents came to visit from Pittsburgh.

My boyfriend and I live in the heart of Boystown and by now my parents are used to what they refer to as "the lively activity" that goes on nearly 24/7.

When they first visited years ago, I was more worried about my surroundings and made sure everything was "parent friendly." I would reddup the apartment (that's Pittsburghese for "a quick clean") and do a scan to make sure there weren't any nude male screen savers on the computers, a dog-eared copy of the "Gay Kama Sutra" on the bookshelf or a 30-gallon jug of lubricant on the dresser.

Bedroom is a two-way street

A relationship is a two-way street.

One person gives a little and takes a little, and the other does the same. There are also certain agreements made in a relationship because one person doesn't like a particular chore. For example, the guy might clean the litter box and the woman will vacuum, or one person will kill the spiders and the other will dust the tchotchkes. Or the husband will hunt dinner and the wife will cook it up--hey, that's how the Ingalls family operated.

But this sort of arrangement can get sticky in the bedroom. If one person is tackling a big chore and the other is simply reaping the rewards, there's a problem. That's why I was surprised when a friend of mine, whom I shall call "Bob" to protect his identity and use a name with a double-entendre, said he refuses to perform oral sex on his girlfriend but expects her to pleasure him that way. How is that fair?
Read more.

How much 'Sex' can one person take?

I have a love/hate relationship with "Sex and the City."

I loved the TV show but hated the first movie. So I was a bit concerned about the "SATC2" movie that opened last week; would this film be better or worse than the first?

I had seen most of the episodes of "SATC" when it aired on HBO from 1998 to 2004. Say what you will about SJP's constant puns, Samantha's over-the-top sexcapades and the girls' drag queen-inspired wardrobes, it's a fun way to pass 25 minutes of your day--except when the character of Mr. Big in on screen, and that's where my apprehension begins.