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Can't a guy just pee in peace?

September 24, 2009

I have a slight phobia, one that I never really discuss with anyone to great length but that I face several times a month.

I'm not referring to my irrational fear of zombies (although, scary!). I'm talking about my shy bladder.

It's not that I can't go at all in public restrooms, but I prefer to not have someone standing next to or near me when nature calls. I need to pee in peace.

I thought I was one of the few people who had this problem until I was in line at a party to use the restroom when the guy in front of me said half-jokingly "everyone needs to hum loudly so I can go." Then another guy joked that he would turn on the shower to create some distraction noise so the rest of us outside in the hall couldn't hear him.

As it turns out, having a shy bladder (clinical term: paruresis) is not that uncommon. Aside from the three other guys in line at the party, it is estimated that 25 percent of men and women have experienced shy bladder at one time or another in their lives according to urologyhealth.org.

Here is where the problem occurs for me: I get anxious when people are too close and waiting for me to finish. I worry that I am taking too long and that the guys behind me are getting annoyed--and then the pipes shut off. My options at that point are to wait it out and run the risk of being that creepy guy standing at the urinal for 15 minutes. Or relocate to a stall. Or just leave, which is bad because I still need to go.

It's the pressure and the "inability to perform" that makes me feel inadequate compared to all these other men, which only adds to the pressure. The main trouble spots are bars or movie theaters with no privacy divider between urinals. The 360-degree troughs at Wrigley Field just give me nightmares.

My worst experience happened recently at Hollywood Beach. The guy next to me in the restroom was either drunk or had no concept of personal space, because he was so close to me that our shoulders were touching. Too close! Add to this that there was now a line of men
waiting to use the facility, which made me completely shut down.

Pee fail.

Thankfully there are several local support groups to overcome this condition. I'm not sure that my mild condition necessitates me joining a group to pee next to another shy guy--although if I was next to someone else worse off than me, that just might be the confidence boost I need.

The Bit-O-Honey Challenge!

Starbucks VIA instant coffee! (AKA Sanka 2000!)

Slava's Snow Show

Hide the giant lube jar! The parents are coming!

Recently my parents came to visit from Pittsburgh.

My boyfriend and I live in the heart of Boystown and by now my parents are used to what they refer to as "the lively activity" that goes on nearly 24/7.

When they first visited years ago, I was more worried about my surroundings and made sure everything was "parent friendly." I would reddup the apartment (that's Pittsburghese for "a quick clean") and do a scan to make sure there weren't any nude male screen savers on the computers, a dog-eared copy of the "Gay Kama Sutra" on the bookshelf or a 30-gallon jug of lubricant on the dresser.

Bedroom is a two-way street

A relationship is a two-way street.

One person gives a little and takes a little, and the other does the same. There are also certain agreements made in a relationship because one person doesn't like a particular chore. For example, the guy might clean the litter box and the woman will vacuum, or one person will kill the spiders and the other will dust the tchotchkes. Or the husband will hunt dinner and the wife will cook it up--hey, that's how the Ingalls family operated.

But this sort of arrangement can get sticky in the bedroom. If one person is tackling a big chore and the other is simply reaping the rewards, there's a problem. That's why I was surprised when a friend of mine, whom I shall call "Bob" to protect his identity and use a name with a double-entendre, said he refuses to perform oral sex on his girlfriend but expects her to pleasure him that way. How is that fair?
Read more.

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I have a love/hate relationship with "Sex and the City."

I loved the TV show but hated the first movie. So I was a bit concerned about the "SATC2" movie that opened last week; would this film be better or worse than the first?

I had seen most of the episodes of "SATC" when it aired on HBO from 1998 to 2004. Say what you will about SJP's constant puns, Samantha's over-the-top sexcapades and the girls' drag queen-inspired wardrobes, it's a fun way to pass 25 minutes of your day--except when the character of Mr. Big in on screen, and that's where my apprehension begins.