May 27, 2009

 I recently had a taste test at work between three similar penny candies: Bit-o-Honey, Mary Jane, and Squirrel Nut Zippers. The reason this started is because Mike proclaimed that Bit-O-Honey’s are his favorite candy. Let me repeat that. Bit-O-Honey. Favorite. Candy. How is that possible? He likes it better than Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? Better than Tootsie Rolls? Better than every other candy on the planet. I take issue with this. But since he likes it (as does Brandon) I stock the candy jar at my desk with them. Mostly so they will come over and talk to me but partly because they like them.

So in the interest of wasting time at work I decided to put together a taste test with Bit-O-Honey and it’s closest candy rivals: Mary Jane and the Squirrel Nut Zipper.

If you aren’t familiar with these candies here is a bit-o-information.

Bit-O-Honey was created in 1924 in Chicago. It consists of almond bits embedded in honey-flavored taffy. Bit-O-Honey is now made by Nestle.

Mary Jane is similar to BOH in size and packaging but slightly different in taste. Mary Jane’s are peanut butter and molasses taffy chews that were created in 1914 and are now manufactured by NECCO.

Squirrel Nut Zippers are peanuts and caramel. The flavor found most often is “vanilla”, though it contains no actual vanilla. Chocolate is the other rarer flavor. It was created in the mid 1920’s and is now manufactured by NECCO as well.

All three candies sound delicious on paper but have very different end results. In order to determine which the better penny candy was, Mike, Brandon, and I tasted them and recorded our findings. We rated the three candies on three categories: Prominent Flavors, Texture (mouth feel), and overall experience. Then we rated the candies 1 to 5. Below are our findings:

The prominent flavors in SNZ were described as “ginger”, “toffee”, “peanut”, “sugar”, and “cotton”. Please note there is no actual ginger or cotton in a Squirrel Nut Zipper but cottonseed oil is. We all agreed they are very sweet tasting.

BOH’s prominent flavors were noted as honey (that’s good considering it’s a selling point), walnuts (which are incorrect Brandon as they use peanuts) and cream. All three of us had identified the same flavors.

MJ’s faired worse with such noted flavors as “wood”, “cardboard”, and “fake peanuts.” Yikes.

The texture of each varied widely as well. SNZ’s were thought to be “firm,” “gritty”, “crackly”, and “gummy.” BOH was “sticky”, “soft” and “smooth”. MJs were “squishy”, “waxy”, “tacky”, and “dissolves to tar”. Sorry Mary Jane.

As for the overall experience, Mike thought that the Squirrel Nut Zippers had a “weird initial flavor”, Brandon noted that it “coated my cheeks with sugar and seemed to increase in size as I chewed it. It was somewhat erratic.” I thought eating a Squirrel Nut Zipper was “unpleasant, tasted like maple covered gravel and was like eating a peanutty washcloth.” Not good.

Bit-O-Honey was enjoyed more by all of us. Mike thought it had a consistent flavor and texture throughout, Brandon found it to be “highly responsive to chewing and to saliva.” I deemed it “pleasant and smooth” and thought it got warmer as I chewed it.

The Mary Janes didn’t go over so well. Mike thought it was off-putting and constantly changed flavor and texture. Brandon thought it had a bad start but good finish. I determined it was “not awful” kind of like a Paris Hilton CD but had an artificial taste. Also like a Paris Hilton CD.

The clear winner was Bit-O-Honey (see scores below.) So next time you are in the mood for some candy my recommendation is to just skip all three and grab a Twix.

Mike:               SNZ = 3          BOH = 5          MJ = 1
Brandon:          SNZ = 3          BOH = 5          MJ = 3
Jason:               SNZ = 1          BOH = 4          MJ = 2

 

April 3, 2009

Starbucks Via (AKA Sanka 2000!)

Starbucks released a new product in March called Via™ Ready Brew, which is being test marketed here in Chicago. It’s an instant coffee powder pack that you add to water to enjoy “fresh” “brewed” “coffee” anytime. I received a sample pack in the mail so I thought I’d give it a try. But before I talk about the taste, let’s talk about the problems with this new product.

One Via, which makes an 8oz cup, is $1. That’s seems a bit steep for instant coffee. Plus, when was the last time you drank only one 8oz cup? A freshly brewed 12oz cup at Starbucks is $1.50 and many people get the Venti (20 ounces) which averages $1.75. So to make a 20-24oz coffee from the Via will cost you twice as much as buying a fresh brewed cup.

Aside from the price, the main problem I see is how often do you have access to 8 ounces of boiling water but not a coffee pot? Chances are your house or office has both. Starbucks sells a 10oz insulated coffee tumbler with a space built into the container to hold your Via pack. That means to get the perfect cup of Via instant coffee you need to either fill the tumbler with only 8oz of boiling water (good luck eyeballing the exact amount) or you need to fill it up all the way but add 1 and ¼ packs of the instant coffee crystals. Either way it’s not an easy task.

The other assumption that Starbucks makes is that when you leave home, you will fill the tumbler with boiling water but not coffee. You then get on the train, or bus, or in the car, and decide partway through your commute that you need coffee NOW! You obviously weren’t ready for it at home and you can’t wait to get to your destination, most likely your office, to have the free coffee there so you can thank your lucky mermaids that you had the forethought to carry 8-10 ounces of boiling water with you at all times. I also hope you thought to carry creamer, sweetner, and a stirrer as well.

The Via I tried was Italian Roast. It tasted like old International Delights that was percolated with water from the canals of Venice. And by that I mean it smelled like mildew and tasted like a mafioso had died in my mouth.  OK, perhaps I exaggerate but it sure as heck didn’t taste like anything I ever want to try again. It is definitely better than your standard instant coffee but being the lesser of two evils isn’t going to make people run out and spend $3 on a three-pack.

Since this is being test marketed in Chicago I am going to speak from a Chicagoans point of view. In this city you can’t go one block without tripping over a Starbucks, or Caribou Coffee, or Dunkin’ Donuts, Argo Tea, Intelligentsia, or even a 7-11. To get from my apartment in Wrigleyville to my office in River North I walk past three coffee shops on the way to the el and past another five from the el to the office and it’s only 10 minutes of walking time total. I have at least eight opportunities to get real freshly brewed joe, why would I opt for Via?

In fact, according to Starbucks.com there are 26 Starbuck stores in my ZIP code (60657), which is 3.16 square miles. And there are 43 Starbucks in the Chicago Loop (downtown) which is 1.58 square miles. You do the math (because I can’t, I suck at maths.)

Perhaps the market for Starbucks Via isn’t a major metropolis like Chicago or London, its second test city which began March 25. Maybe they should focus on small towns and suburbs. There are only 9 Starbucks in the entire state of Wyoming. So you could very well need some hot instant coffee on your drive from Meeteetse to Thermopolis (yes, those are towns in Wyoming.) But my guess is that people who live in Meeteetse, WY don’t care about Starbucks and are perfectly fine with their Folgers Crystals.

In short: don’t bother. Unless you love instant coffee and want a slightly better upgrade.

April 23, 2004

Slava's Snow Show

Before I begin, you will need to take one minute and look around this website so you can better understand the hell we endured.

OK, ready? Well...around the end of March 2004 I saw an ad for Slava's Snow Show on TV. It was created by a former member of Cirque de Soleil and the TV ad made it seem like a combination of Cirque and Blue Man Group. They showed images of some crazy thing swinging across the stage, bizarre images of angel-like creatures, giant inflatable balls attacking people and then the audience being engulfed in a giant snow storm -- all set to cool music. It sounded kind of interesting and bizarre and so I bought Brad and I tickets for his birthday. Well, we get there and you know what it actually was? CLOWNS! Stupid-ass fucking clowns! No one likes clowns. No one! And from what I hear, the clowns were the worst parts of Cirque de Soleil Moon Frye, so Slava must have been kicked off the tour and decided to form his own boring show.

The show was basically Russian clowns in yellow velour onesies that just walk slowly and make stupid noises for 80 minutes. There was no talent involved in anything they did. Any moron can wear jammies and toddle around a stage. Along with the yellow jumper clowns there were these green floppy hat clowns that just walked in a single file line. There was no over-arching theme or story that connected the performances together -- nothing leading up to the big finish where giant bacteria-caked beach balls attacked the audience. It made no sense.

The main clown had an annoying skit that consisted of him loudly blowing a kazoo at a balloon for 7 minutes. Later, he made gibberish on a phone and then afterwards sat on a chair and fell off. What the fuck is that shit? The whole show was kind of nightmarish and I imagine that must be what it is like inside Bjork's head at all times.

I think that half of our audience felt the way we did and hated it. But the other half thought it was brilliant. There were three rows of hicks from South Cooterlina sitting in front of us that seemed to think this was the best thing since potted meat. They were hysterically laughing every time a clown looked cock-eyed at the audience. The dad of the group was cracking up at everything even things that weren't even remotely funny. "Dem dere clowns are a funny, ma!" I guess if your main source of entertainment is NASCAR then this is genius. I am not calling them cooters simply because they liked the Slava but they had thick southern accents, one of the teens had on a plastic bejeweled belt that he got from Deb at the mall and the littlest cootette (or cootina) was named Savannah. Her. Fucking. Name. Was. Savannah! I am sure when they got back on the hick bus back to Cooterville they talked all about the big city and the crazy clown show. "Jim Bob, Billy Bob, Katrina Bob I have to tell you about this awesome clown show we saw in Chicago Illinoise!" You know they would pronounce it Illinoise. That's a pet peeve of mine, like when people say "Picksburgh." It's PITTSBURGH you toothless opossum!

Well, we (Brad, Sharon, Bernadette and I) had a good time anyway because we could all bitch about the show later and laugh at the coots. Aside from the four of us, I know three other people that saw the show and none of them liked it either. Slava tricked us with his shitty clown jammies and got our $40 but maybe, in Russia, where you stand in line for 8 hours for one potato, this is a welcome diversion.

December 24, 2002

Christmas Eve Church Service

So, this Christmas Eve I wasn't going to go to church for several reasons but the main one being that this new Presbyterian church (which is even more bland than the Methodist one we used to go to) which my parents now attend has this one minister that allegedly said (per my sister) something to the effect of "all gays will burn in hell". Nice. How much should I write this offertory check for?

I decided I would just go and I was secretly hoping that the preacher would say something like "Three Wise men, who were thankfully NOT GAY, visited the baby Jesus..." so I could make a scene and storm out. He didn't.

This church is in Pleasant Hills. [Side note: for some unknown reason I automatically dislike "Pleasant Hills" because of the name. I don't know why. I don't know anyone that lives in that borough and it is only like 45 seconds from my parents’ house but I have just always hated it. It sucks.] Anyway, so we went to the 7:00 service at Pleasant Hills Community Presbyterian Church. Catholic churches I like because they have a lot of scary things to look at. The Russian-Orthodox church my mother grew up with is huge and it has this beautiful/terrifying mural on the ceiling that is all heaven and hell and angels and demons and whatnots. It is absolutely macabre and I love it. This church looks like a shoebox painted white. They don't even have stained glass windows. They have those Shrinky-Dink (tm) Lee Press On (tm) stained glass Colorform (tm) thingies. Boring. How am I supposed to occupy myself if it is so "blah" to look at? They don't even have one of those horrendous Chrismon trees that the Methodist church has (see my last Christmas story for a photo of that).

So we sit in the third to last row and I think my mother wanted to separate my sister and me because she tried to sit between us but I corrected that pretty quickly. However, Jessica was all "mature" in church so I didn't even have anyone to goof around with. I mean c'mon...it's church. No one likes to go. You just go because you have to. Even those people that say they really like church are liars they are just using church to fill in some other part of their life that has a void. But I'm not a psychologist, just a heathen so we will move along.

We sit down and immediately John Oats from 'Hall and Oats' sits in front of me. I can't see around his hair. Honestly, it was a guy with a perm. For real, why? Shouldn't his hair dresser be like "I'm sorry, I have to kill this style. It is for your own good." I think that every time I see someone with a mullet. If I was going to get my haircut and they guy in front of me got a mullet, I would leave. I don't want to do business with any stylist that whores themselves out for the cash and forgets the aesthetic responsibility they have to the community to rid the world of mullets and overall bad do's. But I am not one to talk because my hair dresser is a bald drag queen.

So Oats is in front of me and we open with a rousing rendition of "O Holy Night" which makes me think of Eric Cartman from South Park singing that song.

I don't like how we jump right into the religion. Can't we have some previews or something beforehand. So we start to sing and I hear this warbling coming from behind me on the left. I casually turn to see what sort of evil is making this noise and here it is some 22 year old Mandrel sister look alike. She is loud and falsetto and the bitch didn't even know the words. They are printed in the hymnal, love. In her mind she is making a joyful noise unto the Lord, so I guess that I will let it slide.

After that song we have to do that "greet your neighbor" crap where you turn and wish some hillbilly a Merry whatever and pretend like you mean it. I take this opportunity to wish Irlene Mandrell "a blessed day" and she smiles. We are in love. Then I turn the other way and some woman says "Merry Christmas" and I don't feel like saying it so I just mumble "hubba-bubba". I don't think she noticed.

Now it is time to pass around the offertory plate. Technically you are supposed to give 10% of your income to the church (yeah, right) and since I go once a year I should have to give like... a few thousand dollars. Again, NO. But since I am such a horrible sinner and a heathen and a gay and everything else when the plate reaches me and I pass it along it actually burns my hand! I am for sure going to hell, I just know it.

Now it is time for more singing. I am not a singer unless it is Depeche Mode or Moulin Rouge or something similar, so I just limp along and check out the parishioners to see if there are any cute guys. Is it wrong to go cruising in a church? There were a few cuties but nothing too great. So I decide to sing each verse of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" like a different famous singer:

1) Ethel Merman
2) Shakira
3) Nick Cave

Then I get dirty looks from my mother so I just chew my gum to the beat of the music instead.

After the sermon we were all bowing our heads and shit in prayer and I decided that it wouldn't hurt to say a little something for some people. So I started to but then I realized that everyone is saying a prayer for the same thing "health, world peace, happiness, family etc." and that God was being pounded with all the same requests from everyone and She couldn't keep up with them all and besides mine would get lost in shuffle. So I thought I would pray for something different -- something that would red-flag my prayers and bring them to Her attention faster than the family that is praying for grandpa's soul. So I pray to win the lottery. I promised to use my winnings (no less than $50,000 please) for good and not evil and the more I win the more I have to give to those less fortunate than myself. I mean, you can pray until you are blue in the face and at the end of the day it ain't doin' nobody a lick of good. But money, on the other hand, can solve all sorts of immediate problems. So I pray for that. I also pray to have more hot guys in my life. I mean, you can never have enough. I also pray for cake because, man, I love cake. Devil's food, of course.

The last thing in church is when we sing "Silent Night" and light a candle and get wax all over our brand new shirt from Express for Men. For some reason I know all the words to "Silent Night" (all verses) and I am tired of it so I decided to treat myself and read the Latin verses from the hymnal instead. One thing about the eBay religions (Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran) is that they are prompt. It does not run over 60 minutes which is good for me because as you know my attention span for these types of things is not too long.

So that was my Christmas Eve in Pittsburgh. Not too exciting but I make the most of it.

June 19, 2001

My meeting with Bonnie Hunt!

Well, as you all know. I love Bonnie Hunt. I have been a fan of hers ever since I saw her in the short lived sitcom, Grand. So, when the new Gene Siskel Film Center opened up and they announced they would be showing Bonnie’s directorial debut, Return to Me, I knew I would be going.  If that wasn’t enough, she was going to be there speaking about it! My dream come true! Never did I think it would turn out like this:

Brad, Rachel, Karen and I arrived at the theater early. We were hanging out in the lobby so I could try and capture a glimpse of her. I spotted her right away and Rachel and I sidled over. She was talking with the manager of the theater so I didn’t want to bother her. She looked so cute! She was wearing a smart outfit and was all smiles.

When there was a break in the conversation I tried to make my way over to her – alas, she was always preoccupied. I finally resigned myself to the fact that that is as close as I could get. They started letting people in the theater so we decided to get seats.

As we entered the theater we noticed the last row on the floor was taped off. Someone (Rachel or Karen) suggested that we sit right behind that row in the first row of stadium seats. We took our places and moments later Bonnie’s family started to arrive and sit in the taped off row, right in front of us!

I recognized her mother and siblings from photos and from Return to Me where most of them had cameo roles. Her mother sat directly in front of me and then Bonnie sat next to her. Bonnie Hunt was mere inches from me. I was ecstatic (this is a big deal for me).

Bonnie sat down and the way the seats are, since they were they last row on the floor and we were the first row in the risers, their heads were even with our knees. Karen whispered (in her not-so-quiet way) “I can’t cross my legs because I am afraid I will kick her in the back of the head.” Bonnie heard her, turned around and said “What?!” I repeated it back and she said “You’d better not!” then smiled.

We all laughed. Bonnie turned away, then turned back around and looked at me. She then turned away, whispered something to her brother and turned back to me saying:

“Have we met before? You look familiar.”
YES! is what I should have said but I actually responded…
“No.” – duh, I am such a dork.
“Well,” she continued, “Have you seen this movie before?”
“Yes, a bunch of times. We love it.”
“Great! I am really proud of it.” She said with a smile. “My whole family is in it too so they came to watch.”
“Yes,” I said. “I recognize everyone.”
Bonnie then introduces me to her family…
“This is my mother, Alice. My brother Kevin and this is my sister Carol.”
We all say ‘Hello. Nice to meet you’ – etc.

Bonnie’s mom (who is so adorable!) says: “Kevin is a doctor, so if you choke on your popcorn he will know what to do.” We all chuckled.

I then talked about how I have been a fan of hers for a while and how my favorite movie is Only You.

She says longingly: “Don’t you just love that movie?”
I agree and tell her that I have been a fan since The Building which was the first sitcom she wrote/directed/starred in/produced. She smiles and says ‘thank you.’ Her brother says something to her so she turns away. Is that the end of the conversation?

No way – I am taking advantage of this situation:
Me: Excuse me, may I ask you a question?
Bonnie with a smile: Sure.
Me: On your show Bonnie, in the last episode we saw your character hiding on the floor in front of the couch. Mark Derwin’s character, I can’t remember his name-”
“-Bill.”
“right, Bill. He was about to know on your door but hesitated. What ever happened?”
“I can’t believe you remember that.”
“Well, you know…”
“We eventually got together. Went on a few dates. There are actually several episodes that never aired.”
“Really? That was a great show. I would love to see those.”
“Thanks! Yeah, it’s a shame. It was a lot of fun.”
“Too bad they aren’t on DVD or something.”
“I wish. If only I could get the episodes away from the studio. I don’t even have them.” – she sounded a tad bitter.
“Really? Wow. That’s too bad.”
“Yeah.”

At that point she had to get up to introduce the film. She said, “excuse me” and made her way up front. When she left her seat, her mother did the cutest thing. She placed her purse on Bonnie’s seat so no one would take it.

Bonnie then briefly introduced the film and said that she would be back up afterwards for a Q&A session.

In order to get back to her seat, she had to walk out of the theater on the right, walk through the lobby, and re-enter on the left. The theater was pitch black when she came back in and I am sure she couldn’t see a thing. She put her arms out in front of her and her brother helped her to her seat. She then said under her breath “Jesus Christ.” And we all laughed. She’s so funny.

During the movie it was interesting to see her reaction to things. The theater was packed and everyone enjoyed it immensely, a good time was had by all.
Afterwards she got up for the Q&A and I got the first question (as I had been mentally preparing it for the previous 2 hours) which was:

“How much of the film was scripted and how much was improv? Did you allow your actors any leeway with the dialogue for ad-libbing? It all seems very natural.”
Her answer (paraphrased): “Actually, 99% of it is scripted. There are a few moments where the actors improvised but it is really a testament to the writing and acting that is comes off very natural.” She then went on to point out a few moments where the actor ad-libbed. Like when Marty (Carol O’Connor) answers the phone before picking it up, etc.

Almost everyone asked great questions except for one woman that asked to clarify a line of dialogue. The woman said twice that she had the movie on DVD, like it costs $10,000 or something and she is lucky to have it – I wanted to say “If you have it on DVD, then close-caption the scene and see what the line is.” Duh! Bonnie was much more gracious then I would have been.

She talked about how the movie came about and how she was a little annoyed with MGM at some points because they made her put in the part about the heart transplant and how they originally wanted it to be that the character of Grace (Minnie Driver) would then start to have memories from the heart. Like very sci-fi and she refused. Good for her! Because, last I remember from Jr. High health class, your memories aren’t contained in your heart.

She also said that the studio wanted Michael Douglas or Robert De Niro to play the lead and she had to fight for David Duchovny and Minnie Driver. It sounds like Hollywood really is run by 28 year-old stuffed suits with no original idea between them. I am going to stay in Chicago.

Sadly, the night came to an end. But it was a lot of fun and meant a lot to me. I hope to run into her this summer while she is filming her new movie, Anniversary. I could hang out around the set and at her favorite restaurant, Topo Gigio’s. There are stalking laws in Illinois, right? Damn.